I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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