hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
