I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
