How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
