You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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