I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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