I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
