ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
