Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
