I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
