shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
