I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
