Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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