Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck