My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
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Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
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One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet