I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY