The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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