watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
