Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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