Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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