Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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