I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
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when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
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I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize