drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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