I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
