we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
