if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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