Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
