It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Randomize
