The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
