If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
