Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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