Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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