I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
