I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
