I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
