I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
