He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I did not marry a roomba.
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