I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
