My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
