I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
