I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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