No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
