I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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