watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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