Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she looked like the before picture.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
