I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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