i already hear my dad disowning me
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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