I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
