I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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