She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
