I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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