My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
