it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
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i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
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Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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